Life's Difficulties

I'm a pretty positive person, and generally speaking, I'm not going to lay out a list of woes.  But you know what, sometimes I need to gather my thoughts, lay them all out, and take a look at them.  Might as well do it here.

It's raining.  Here in our home,  Here on our family. We've had a lot of ups and downs in our life together, but right now I'm really tired.

First I'm going to just state simply what's going on to deal with it, so I can get to the heart of the issue more quickly.  Since about mid-November, just 2 1/2 months ago, we've been fielding problem after problem:

- My dad's lower back has ramped up the pain to the point of him almost unable to bear it.  It has turned him, my wonderfully capable and fully-estute 94 year old dad, finally into an old man. We did a cortisone shot into his lumbar area which almost completely made him better, until this last week.

- My dad was hospitalized with a serious bronchial infection, and it really put him down.

- My mom has dementia, and cannot remember anything.  She couldn't even remember where Dad was.  FULL time care. We are the only relatives near them, and we are the solo caregivers.

- We are giving a lot more care to my parents.

- Our 27 year old son had his girlfriend break up with him.  He was fired from his job.  He injured his foot really badly, with no insurance.  We've been jumping through hoops getting him on health care and getting the care he needs.  Looks like lots of micro-tears in his foot ligaments and a little bone floating around.  It's taking FOREVER to get exactly what he needs and he can't bear weight at all.

- We've all taken turns being sick.  Really sick.  I got the same thing as dad and it escalated to the point of flu-like symptoms and fevers.  The day he got out of the hospital I went home to bed and was literally lumping around the house for five days with absolutely no voice.  Prednazone (Spelling!) and a seriously tough antibiotic which ate my lunch got me onto the long road to recovery.  Mine was a bronchial infection which lasted about six weeks.  Now tonight our girl comes home feeling very sick.  *sigh*

- My brother Steve died two weeks ago.  I can't talk about it right now, it's too much.

- Gary's been unemployed for over a year.  We were excited about a job he landed which began in January.  It was the job from HELL.  Seriously - the WORST job you could imagine!  We talked about it every night and decided he had to quit or they would kill him with a heart attack.  So... the GREAT thing is - he doesn't have a job!  Thank you, Lord, for making us thankful for no job!

This afternoon we got the call that my mom was hospitalized.  She felt sick with an upset stomach after lunch, and now that we look back, was a little off yesterday.  She couldn't get enough oxygen.  They had to intubate her and then restrain her because she would take the tube out if she had her druthers. The upper section of her heart has a valve that is sticky and is not in sync with the lower part of her heart.  Which means it has to work extra hard to work very inefficiently.  We had to make some tough decisions tonight with the doctor. 

Our first decision was to let her go through the night to see how she does.  I"m just too tired to present all the scenarios we worked through.  All this while around her bed, with her under anesthesia.  I didn't get to talk to her today.

I drove Gary over to his car as he got to the hospital long before I did.  Noah and I were in classes, and I just felt like we both needed to finish our business.  I went home with dad and got him settled in.  We cried together.  You know, I don't think I've ever seen my dad cry.  No, really.  I'm pretty sure I have never seen him cry.  He is a strong man and has always been there for everyone.  He went through WW2 mostly behind enemy lines.  Got strafed, killed men, captured Nazis, saw death.  Homefront he was always a leader and a manager of others.  Sensible and extremely smart, he can still finish the newspaper's crossword puzzle every day.  But I've never seen him cry.

Tonight we cried.  He told me he just didn't expect it.  That he wasn't ready.  He told me to go home.  I know he wanted to be alone, and that he's probably crying right now.  He didn't think he was going to be able to sleep tonight.  You see, he has always taken care of her.  Always.  He's always taken care of all of us. And tonight he looked like a broken man. And that was the very worst thing for me.

Now, the good.

We are blessed.  Beyond measure.  We are God's children.  We have put our trust in the work Jesus did for us on the cross.  I know where my brother went.  Heaven.  He is no longer broken.  I know where my mom will go, where my dad will go.  And I know that there will be no more pain there - that Jesus will be there - and that we will see them again!  And even though we are right now tired beyond measure, I know that we are dwelling under the shadow of HIS wings.  We hold on to that Anchor - the anchor of our very souls, both sure and steadfast (Hebrews 6:19).

We see Him moving in our lives.  He takes care of us, just as he always has.  The tough times remind us of that.  When we're dependent upon him, we recognize his work in our lives.

And so, I am going to bed.  I'm going to pray, and I am going to sleep.  Tomorrow, as every other day, we will be in God's hands.

Dad looks rough.